on the other side of love.

So, hands up who's ever been madly in love/lust with a friend, only to find that they dont feel the same way that you do? come on, it's happened to most of us at some point, it's happened to me on many many occasions, but that's me, I fall easily and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Now, what happens when you are the object of those feelings and for whatever reason you dont feel the same, or for complicated reasons, you feel you cant go that step further from friendship to relationship?

I'm not proud of this, but there were times, when I would lie on my bed, listening to something suitably heart rending ( smiths, REM, Joy Division) and longing to be the one who was wanted, desired, dare I say it, lusted after, even loved. I know now how it feels to be in that position, and it is the worst feeling in the world, and if I never feel this feeling again it will be too soon.

At the same time, which makes it all the worse, I am feeling those same feelings for someone else, and I know I am once again going to make myself vulnerable, to put my heart in that perilous position of possible breakage.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we subject ourselves to the emotional turmoil and gut wrenching agony of love time after time?

For my money, it's because no matter how many mates you have, no matter how much your family love you, there is an intimacy that only comes from a one to one loving relationship, that's not to say that a relationship built on nothing more than constant guilt-free sex (thank you Grant/Naylor) is not every bit as valid, but the emotional closeness, combined with the physical, is what keeps us striving to find the one, our 'soulmate'. Sometimes though, you meet your soulmate, and they're happily and hopelessly in love with someone else already. In that situation, you'll only ever know the feeling of unrequited love, and that is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.